BUGS LIFE

So i was discussing what to do with my "boot blog" and My ol lady says "Why dont you do it in the perspective of an ant?" and my only reply was it was too short...
But then i got to thinking, and i came to a realization. You are like bugs... You little faggots are nothing more than maggots feeding off of trash. Compare it to a life of a bug, most spend their life trying to please a "QUEEN BUG" just like you work your ass off to please your wife/mistress what ever... you take forever to bring home the bread and when you do its usually for someone else... Then you have the hole does insects count as incest?? i dont know, and the fact that you do means your gay, just remember that...
So on one of your only adventures to please someone else the bugs go a little off course, for them it might be like walking through my door, coming out of the sidewalk, or stealing my food. You go off course by walking in public, coming out of the closet, or TRYING TO GET WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME!!! When this happens in your life it is the most amazing thing you have ever seen. Its like a giant glowing with energy, that shakes the ground as he walks and bends the trees with his voice. Instantly you freeze in amazement, but then the fear kicks in, and no matter what you cant seem to run away from me. It is like im following you everywhere without any effort. you drop my potato chip and begin to run back the direction you came. But then it gets dark, you begin to stumble and second guess which direction you are headed. The wind begins to pick up as the darkness continues to cover the ground. You look up trying to see what your fate has brought you, but all you can see is a giant black sole coming down towards you. With no time to run you try to hide in the cracks of the floor but its no use. The boot makes contact with you as you begin to feel the pressure try and brake you. Wiggling and squirming around you try to break free. Finally the pressure is slowly released and light covers the ground again. A loud deep voice breaks the silence.  Trying to walk you realize that option has been removed, for you have lose feeling in half your body. Before you can think of a plan b the darkness begins to return. The pressure is more sudden and you begin your final plea... Arms stretched out trying to reach for safety, the pressure increases as the boot begins to pivot. The lugs under the boots twist you little spineless body until you are torn in pieces, leaving nothing but an imprint of my boot.
So you see, i view you faggots as maggots, You eat shit, spend your life for someone else, and always end up under my boot.

Your Mailman

Have you ever got your mail and been like what the fuck its late, or wondered why you smell whiskey on your mail??? Well i have it all figured out!!! I have lived and received mail in several states from here to Kentucky, no matter where i lived it seemed like the same old story. The mail delivery person in a miserable drunk. But lets think about why. Why do you drink? Because you wake up everyday, take the same damn drive, to work to do the same paper pushing b.s you do everyday, to come home and have someone take all the money you just made away. Well think about that, but worse, kinda, besides being self-loathing and depressed as much as the next person, Mailmen (women) have to deal with every asshole in town at the same time. Not only do they have to take the same drive to work, but they have to sit there and look at the same look-a-like envelopes as the day before, with the same addresses on them. This is where the most common mistake comes in and the sorting gets messed up because they spaced out or was to hung over to keep the stacks in order. And after putting all that once sorted mail into their gay ass little trucks they drive around the take a smoke break, which at most consist of last few sips of their morning flask (remember they are drunks) and a cigarette. They probably would smoke weed if possible but since they would lose their government job they stick to alcohol. Don't worry about them drinking and driving, they are professionals, really! ALSO they go like 5mph on the side of the road and get away  with it. But then they have to go on with their boring ass day of driving down the same roads that smell like shit (farms smell like cow poop) and dealing with the same ass holes (you). Part way through their route they have to drive along a busy highway, that has no shoulder and few spread out houses. They stop at the first house causing a line of traffic to form behind them. By the second or third stop on this street people are honking, passing and swearing at them. And they just ignore it so they dont lose their job. The last stop on the street before he/she has to cross the street into the next neighborhood is conveniently placed in a passing zone. In the 20 seconds it takes them to put the mail in the mailbox the line of traffic besides to all drive on the wrong side of the road holding up traffic on the other side of the road, and the mail person, even though if they let the mail-person do their fucking job they would have normal flow after he/she crosses the street but w.e its necessary for you to piss people off who know where you live. After the line is finally gone the mail delivery driver rushes through the neighborhood to get done as soon as possible, although being late causes people who have no patience to stand outside and pick fights with them. Causing them to be even more late for someone else. By the time this is done the driver usually has to pee, and needs a refresher. So a piss break and a cigarette later you find yourself dropping off the mail to the liquor store where the already have your ORDER ready bagged and rang up before you get through the door. Not wanting to spill any on his uniform the place it in the cup holder for easy access, and continue on their journey. Somewhere between there and the next time they get to have a cigarette they run into their next issue. Someone goes around them and cuts them off while they are still moving causing the delivery driver to slam on the breaks, spilling the alcohol all over your mail because you were in to big of a hurry to wait for someone you rely on to do their job. So by the time they reach you, half your mail is missing because the ash of a cig fell in the mail bucket and started the wet mail on fire, BUT ITS LATE, so you go out there, and wait at your mail box, next to your neighbors, standing in line to do drive by arguments with a slow moving cranky alcoholic. After you get your daily dose of "manhood" in your balls get cut off and sold to the electric company because you fail to turn off the computer when you pass out masturbating every night and ran up your bill. So you jump in your car to get to the bank quick and get stuck down the road by the mail truck. I mean how dare they get in your way to do a service for you that without you would be completely lost if not useless. I mean they bring you bills you would otherwise forget to pay and be out a house or car, and the bring your dirty magazines, and sometimes your checks, if you had to remember to do all that yourself you would remember checks and magazines thats it. You would never deliberately go pick up bills to pay. After the second block you decide to throw your old pepsi bottle out the window at them causing them to drop their bottle of whiskey out the window and shatter little glass pieces all over the road and pop their tire. So after they fix the tire you broke, and finish delivering your friends/families bills they finally get to head back. But they cant get in the parking spot because you parked like a dick trying to get in the post office on time to mail off the money order for the bill they just delivered to you. After a few nasty looks and mumbles underneath the breath later they pull in and change cars to then become part of the rush-home traffic hour. So next time you decide to bitch about the mail, remember, its only karma.

Random thoughts of a master part 1

This goes out to you, the fuck-tard that double parks his mini-coup. The same mini-coup that you "drive like you stole it" holding up traffic because your to busy lighting a virgina slim. that you only smoke because you think it makes you look cool, when you actually look like you should be in women panties. Speaking of which you probably have them on already under you skinny jeans you bought on sale at Abercrombie and finch. Which happens to the same store that the cute guy you like works at, who got you in trouble when you "man" on the side saw you wink at. The same wink you gave him when you meet him at the gay bar. you know the gay bar that you begged your best friend to go to with you because you were scared because you thought the loud music would distract you. we all know it wasnt the music you kept looking at WOOT -WOOT. but back on a serious not, your best friend that went through all this for you, isnt there for you anymore. Yea it makes you sad dont it, i mean out of all the farting jokes/stories you told the one where cum came out of your ass pushed his limit, you know it, i know it, he knows it, both your shrinks know it. Its a shame he didnt like your joke, we all know you were hoping to tap that at least once, well once when you didnt drug him on his ex wife’s birthday. But hey i would say we have all been there, but honestly most people arent even that pathetic. sounds like you really crossed a line. now your mom is questioning why he isnt talking to you, why your pushing middle age and still not married. Do you think its because your 1/2 in. dick only gets up to a 1in and thats when your watching the notebook. Which reminds me NO NOT EVERYONE CRIED DURING THAT MOVIE!!! YES IT DOES MAKE YOU A LITTLE BITCH!!! and wtf is up with that movie, didnt their parents ever tell them not to lay in the streets??? rebels. But back to how you are sitting there reading this going "holy shit he is right how did he know all this?" and its because ever little bitch ass fag has the same story, "No one likes me because im gay!" when in all honesty no one likes you because you feel sorry for yourself because of who you are more importantly you are not willing to do anything to change it. Im honestly glad little bitches like you become gay, not just because i get to take your money, but because that means you wont be reproducing, and that is part of survival of the fittest. Next time you wanna act like a tough guy sit down and remember that you were the only one not laughing at this post because you were to busy crying about your life.

LEGO LAND!!!

So today we are going to explore the mind... well my mind yours sucks, and we both know it. My mind is full of all sorts of crazy shit and useless information. It contains many personalities (characters), memories, places, designs, dreams and much else yet to be discussed. Yes This seems like a lot of shit to have on your mind especially to a simple mind like your own. But that is the beauty of it. You see shit in ways no one else ever can, and the entire image in your head can be torn down and started over from scratch. As if your mind is the platform and the legos are your thoughts.

 Now lets think about that. Your entire brain being whipped and restarted, like when you knock down the legos and rebuild something else entirely. You may have started making a skyscraper but when it falls and you rebuild it to look like a giant boob. When the boob is squeezed to hard all of the sudden you see a sinking ship in the ocean, pieces of the ship floating in the water like titanic, but you dont do shit about it because your to busy laughing as it happens. So you take the ship and try to rebuild the boob to finish masturbating and it turns out to look like a ufo, now your "seaman" are aliens. Ill tell you what to do call fucking ghost busters. 

Which reminds me, if you want ghost buster legos, your are shit out of luck, better off making them yourself. So now that you see that the image can be recreated like your head being brainwashed or starting over. Think about the little lego people, you know, the ones that you feel like when you stand next to someone like me. Those little people with twistable hands and hairpieces. Yes we all know you have the full Harry potter collection please dont make a bunch of comments about it. Think about if you were in that world. You were yoda driving the fire truck that is being chased by the batmobile on the moon landing. You got pirates to your right and the edge of the table to your left want to know what happens next????

EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!! (as most parents call it)

A giant foot comes and destroys everyone and everything you know. Nothin but little bricks and pieces of what was once your entire world is mixed among each other  surrounding you. Now everything is being rebuilt piece by piece around you while you are frozen in place with fear and curiousness. When you start to look around you see that you are underwater, where there is a battle over aquamans castle between knights of the round table and spongebob.  Knights are sparing there lives against the stupidity of modern television to re-own the territory (of your mind). After a deathly battle not much left standing besides part of a wall and the fence around the moat. slowly the draw bridge is lowered and your are entering a grave yard, so high above sea level its hard to breath, you get out of the fire truck to only be held at gun point by none other than james bond himself, thinking fast you swing your light saber to destroy the gun and end up cutting a hole in the fire truck and dropping your joint. Now you have pot-zombies rising from the dead. A flash of light comes and suddenly goku is there fighting along side yoda defeating the zombies.

Looking around in amazement goku is no where to be seen. The only thing that catches any attention is the scenery changing around you. all the dead and dismember body parts and pieces everywhere becomes robots limbs and you are stuck in the factory next on the convert belt to be melted into your fire truck. Before you know it Indiana Jones is switching your lightsaber with a dildo as you are about to be crushed into a friend of thomas the tank engine.

ok you get my point, the difference between my mind changing all the time and yours is my builder gets smarter, clever  and better each time it happens. There is no boundaries and the options are endless. You are lucky if you can change more than the street names, between lack of personality and creativity you have no imagination or belief. 

Mr know it all

Ok so i decided to do a new segment called MR KNOW IT ALL!!! 

Iv gotten alot of complements on how my blogs are out of order, all over the map or just dont make sense at all. Well here is what i have to say about that, WHY ARE YOU SPENDING YOUR TIME READING SHIT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!! go read the fucking dictionary, im sorry my mind wanders around, it chews up every leash i buy it i dont know what you want me to do, oh wait i dont care what you want me to do.

AND NOW ITS TIME FOR MISTER KNOW IT ALL!!!!

Anyway i feel like i should explain this segment for anyone who has been living under a rock for the past 50 years. It makes me sad how many people never have seen this show let alone dont know who they are, its a talking moose and flying squirrel im not sure how hard of a concept this is to grasp, its a fucking cartoon about a smart ass squirrel and a dumb ass moose. and yes the moose plays mr know it all, hence the irony you stupid fuck!! 

Anyway i do know everything, like for instance who do guys like girls with curves, big boobs n butt?? because it all symbolizes child baring you fuck you were here to reproduce and yet most of you fail at that alone. Your job is to keep your species strong, smart and all that shit hence why that guy wrote a book about the natural selection, believe it or not that shit is true, notice that people are getting shorter, weaker, and dumber, well thats because you weak dumb nerds keep reproducing. Thats also why these french frie girls are becoming so popular, why we kill each other, and why the real nice, sensitive and  smart ones cant get laid, because every dumb ass had a dumber daughter who is attracted to mean ugly jobless guys, way to raise your kids you fuck!!!

As for the boobs (child feeding) butts (child birth- dont ask unless you really wanna know) and the curves are for child barring. yes now you have, you are attracted to french fries because you are a dumb fat piece of shit. now that you are done reading this and you have finished your bag of pork skins, go run a fucking mile and practice your multiplication tables dumbass!!!

I am not a zombie!

So that title has nothing to do with this post, its just because planet 51 is on in the next room and it sounded like a good way to start this blog , but on a real level I am not a fucking zombie, I may act like one sometimes, maybe even sound like one after too many shots, but I really do have a beating heart (possibly frozen however) and a brain (not plugged in)…. point being I’m not a zombie, ima fucking alien!!!

Have you ever noticed that kids these days have shorter attention spans than normal?? No??? well maybe you have A.D.D then too. Lady Siren (my hott girlfriend) thinks that is has to do with the new tv shows and how they are all over the place what ever you lost your train of thought already. I think its because natural selection is fucked!!! All these stupid ass people, and ugly mother fuckers can now get laid because

1. You can pay for sex… in some states….

2. Fat people need loving too, they just have to have another fat person or pay J you know who you are

3. This hole new slutty image these girls portray doesn’t do shit to help, teen mom?? How bout graduate high school without getting pregnant, that should be a fucking requirement these days. Use a fucking condom kids! You cant last long enough to enjoy it anyway…

4. People sleep with people who are “hott” but dumb as a box of rocks and about as useful as a dirty ass diaper,

SPEAKING of stupid people!!! I totally forgot to post a blog about my McDonalds burger. I know everyone has issues at McDonalds… but seriously I think these people had a grudge against me… if they didn’t they do now…. I go a burger… a simple Quarter pounder with cheese.. well that’s what we ordered…. It was not anything close.. Ima put a picture of it up somewhere on this post….but seriously this thing was sad… not to mention my girl almost fell asleep in the drive through, the same drive through that makes us either park n wait or fuck up the order 4/5 times we go there, we have addressed these situations with numerous managers etc. blah blah blah any way when I tried to do the right thing and call and simply ask wtf and how you going to fix this. I was ignored, talked down upon then hung up on…. So I went back to McDonalds… walked in and the stupid fuck was standing there (completely ignoring a customer at the counter) and talking shit about “someone bitching about a burger wit one pickle. (hell ya I want more than one fuck-tard!!) so I knocked some trays over to get his attention and then threw the burger, pickle, hard ass bun and container and all back at him. He said it was ok, so I said “good fuck you bye” and walked out. Apparently he was lying because as I was walking out (slowly) he was writing down my plates (like I care I don’t own a car stupid fuck! For this reason J ) so I decided it was a good time to clean out the car, so all the half empty redbull cans, mt-dews , ice tea and some nasty left over taco was properly disposed of all over their speaker systems windows and whoever was dumb enough to be hanging out the drive through window, I hope you learned your lesson, plus siren got us a refund and free happy meals… ima get chicken nuggets just so they cant spit in anything, stupid short round little Mexican fuck…I know where you work… (insert scary music) 

Siren just added a phone-watch to my wish list… I don’t know why, it is a cool concept…if you are in the 90s… just kidding, but just seems like more bills to me… plus I already look at my wrist watch thinking it’s a GPS I don’t need more shit confusing me.

There was something else I wanted to include here, hmmmm in the mean time when you buy socks make sure you look at the size, my kids has plenty of socks but my feet are cold…. And I just tried putting a toy snake in time out.. And lost the battle…. FAIL

Anywho I really cant remember OHOHOHOH I remember, shit I lost it… till next time

Same bat time, same bat channel….

Dear Officer

Dear fucking officer....KENOSHA COUNTY "sheriff department"

Thank you for pulling SIREN and I over at 12:30 for no god damn reason. Yes we know our plates are suspended but we have a sick kid and this was the closest hospital, now that iv answered your expected questions, here's mine, why did you come flying up on a minivan at 12:30 at night that wasn't speeding, swerving or lights out????? i would really like to know the answer so when your perverted ass is looking me up make sure to post the answer!!! BTW that's a serious question, and thanks for letting us drive home lol.....

NOW, 

Dear fucking officer .... twin lakes, 

you were not so nice, you gave us a ticket while we were on the way home from fixing the van for admissions, Obviously we didnt pass, (look above) but really, we got a total of like four fucking tickets, and why, because you were bored and no one else was out, or was it because Sirens dressed as a dom and i look like a bigger bad ass than you???? either way your a fucking dick and i hope your gun miss-fires on your hip and blows a hole in your leg.

 officer shuda* of tlpd.... HA i didn't know you were still stuck in t.l!!! you use to fuck wit me as a child all the time, i know you remember me, you were laughing when i answered the door. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! i like quite~

Dear fucking officer of fox lake, 

you were funny, sorry you didn't get to tow my car, well not really, thanks for the ticket trick! see you at court!!!!

Dear fucking Illinois st trooper

that pulled us over outside of Chicago for pushing someones vehicle down the exit ramp with my van, i swear i didn't know that was illegal, he did ask for my help, and  no i didn't care about his safety, however i am grateful you let us leave because we may or may not have been drinking and our plates are suspended and a big thanks for being dumb!!!!